What if....

How often we get delighted by hearing the word of praise for ourselves. I can not say the same for everyone but yes, I feel that for all these years I’ve been slave of others remark. Be it my friends, family or anonymous. Why I wanted my friends to read my blogs and comment for it. It is kind of tacit agreement that the remarks have to be in my favor. What if they ignored, did not bother to read it with this much interest and took a trouble to post their comment in an articulate manner. Or what if they have disparaged me by being euphemistically critic, “These were the contemptuous emotions which seem specious but hardly have any importance in practical life rather they kill the valuable time which you could have used in some other constructive work”. Or what if castigated it by throwing harsh comment like "bullshit!”

I would have definitely perturbed and felt uneasy. I might have taken vow whatsoever will happen I’ll never indulge myself in writing again. Though I personally loved it but to synergize my joy it was essential for me to get some words of adulation. But I don’t understand why? Why I need someone else to please myself. Why I need someone else to content myself. Am I not enough to evaluate. Is the remark of my own heart is mundane. Ever since I’ve known myself I’ve been very reactive to situations. The situations, surroundings and environments ruled me and affected my work severely. The extra ordinary person is the one who act upon the situation rather than acted upon by them. I remember words of APJ kalam that there are ample of ordinary people who work according to what is more likely to be done but very few are the extraordinary ones who work according to the way they wanted it to be done and whatever progress, discoveries, inventions has been achieved in this world so far is just because of these few people.

I remember once I asked Percy sir to write my testimonial and he asked very promptly “why?”

How laconic the remark was this! Here the intelligence is radiated. Though you use few words but it should accommodate everything you want to convey.

The three alphabets containing this small word tormented me for a while. It seemed as if he is saying “Aren’t you firm about yourself? Or you want others to be attracted towards you by reading the goody-goody comments which may not be true, written by me for you. For all the talks and all the things I’m saying isn’t enough to reveal my feelings for you. Why do you want me write something for you which are visible to the whole world? What is the point and what is the purpose?”

What if he has written without saying anything? He is an excellent writer with an amazing command over the language and having a clear vision blend with transparent thoughts. He could have easily written and that too in a fantastic manner but he denied. And he denied in a way to leave me with ample of questions running in my mind. His seemingly so simple “why” compelled me to ponder myself on the dubious attitude of mine towards myself. How silly! I, myself am unaware of me. For how long I’ll keep being the football of others leg? Any Tom, Dick and Harry can pick and throw or can play the way he wants with me.

I’m suffering with an identity crisis. I’m suffering because I’ve not achieved so far what I wanted to and expected by and hence look for the remarks, comments and testimonials for me to be happy.

Once a friend casually told me “How boring you are!” he genuinely has felt this, so told and I burst upon him with emotions.

“If I am so boring you always have an option to avoid me."

Even for a minute I did not take trouble to contemplate over the situation according to his way. But why should I, as far as I am habituated of hearing the good words and wants the same for me. Next day when I complained about him to the other friend and revealed that I’ve decided to never talk to him my friend’s prompt reply was again “why” with a look as if saying “just because he said truth.”

I succumbed for a while. When will I learn to be proactive? When will I understand that the key of happiness, contentment I’ve given to others has to be in my hands? When will I accept myself as I am and stop looking for the remarks and bothering about what others may be thinking about me? When will ‘I’ be the ruler of myself?

No one can hurt you without your consent. How true!